Remember or Forget?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I wish someone would have told me the honest truth about parenting. Truly I wish they would have kept all the stuff about pacifiers, breastfeeding, crying it out, sleep training, and natural remedies to themselves and just given me the simple truth. Someone should have said to us, "Parenting will be full of embarrassing moments. You will be more embarrassed than you've ever been......time and time again. You will never do anything harder or more important. Just remember to love and forgive, yourselves and them.....OFTEN."

Okay, I have active little boys and maybe that makes us more prone to embarrassing moments. However, I have some honest friends who have shared some of their embarrassing parenting moments and so I'm pretty sure it's not just me. But why doesn't anyone tell you that along with being sleep deprived you will also be subject to some very humiliating moments?  My theory is simply this.....we forget. I think part of parenting must be like childbirth. There are parts of it that you just simply forget because they are too painful to remember; like the terrible 2s that can last until their 4, or the sleepless nights when they are newborns, or the stomach flus that last for weeks because they just spread from one family member to another. In the moment that it's happening it's the worst thing ever but when it's over it can quickly dull to a distant memory.....like childbirth. You remember it hurt like hell, at some point it felt like the pain would never end, but then that sweet baby was handed over to you and THAT is the moment that remains engrained in your memory.

I want to remember.

And by remember I don't mean being able to recall the big milestones such as; when they got their first tooth, when they started walking, or what age did they start calling me mom instead of mommy (yes that is a big milestone to me). But instead, I want to have an accurate recollection of what it was to be their mother. Some days I think it's the best job God ever gave me and others I'm not quite sure he chose the right person. At times, I am congratulating myself for a job well done and then there's those moments where I feel a complete and sudden urge to immediately enroll in a parenting class because of my motherly inadequacies. I want to remember all of that.....I think.

A friend and I have a joke that when people our age were kids that kids must have been so much easier. Babies seemed to sleep through the night, children didn't talk back, no one had any sleeping issues, we rarely hear of temper tantrums, picky eaters were just not allowed, and how many times do you hear older moms say, " Oh, so and so never did that. " I know we live in different times but kids are still kids. They are going to push their limits, get crabby, and so forth.  I NEVER want to be that person who says to a younger mom, " Wow, you must really have your hands full." Instead, I always want to be that person who remembers what it FELT like to have my hands full.

But just how much do I want to remember? Are some things better off forgotten? I mean this is one of the main reasons why I blog, so that I can remember motherhood.....in all of it's gloriness and goriness. But are there memories, like the pain in childbirth, that should remain a forgotten memory? And if so, which memories do we treasure and which do we conveniently allow to escape into the black abyss of forgetfulness? And is it a conscious choice? I don't think so......but maybe it should be.

Something happened a few months ago that has triggered this kind of game in my head. Remember or Forget? And it kind of makes me laugh. It makes me laugh because at the time, what happened seemed so horrible that I thought I'd never forget it but then a few days later I had forgotten it already. I have all these memories that have flooded my head, most of them embarrassing and I have been thinking do I want to remember that or let it become blurry where it won't seem as bad as it really was. And as I go through the list, most memories I choose to remember. Well, that's mostly true. The moments that you can look back on and laugh about are easy to remember.  But it is the moments that were not funny, moments that were sad or where there was forgiveness needed either by the parent or the child that are not so fun to remember. Or scary moments when children were hurt or sick, those aren't all that fun to remember either. But I'm working up on drudging them all up because like I said, I want to remember this season of my life in all it's authenticity.




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The Year of 2012.......

I'm not going to lie, I'm so ready for a new year. I was so completely done with 2012. Then yesterday morning I woke up and realized that there wasn't  anything particularly exciting to look forward to in

2013, I was just simply glad the year before had ended. I am usually an optimist, most of the time hopeful, love new beginnings, and clean slates but yesterday I  just couldn't quite pull off the positive spin. Felt kind of grumpy, and was saying to myself, "Well, now what?" So since I couldn't find a particular thing to look forward to this year and I wasn't inspired or motivated to make any New Years Resolutions, I thought I'd reflect back on the year that I was so anxious to forget.

My reflection started with asking the husband to tell me one thing good that happened to us this year. He started stating things like no one broke a bone, no one in our family had any hospital visits..... Then I stopped him and told him I was grateful for those things but that he was just listing the bad things DIDN'T happen this year but could he think of one really good thing that happened to us this year? He couldn't think of anything off the top of his head. And I couldn't either, besides some fun family visits we had with our families. And then I realized, once again I missed it. In my pouting and in my search for "the happy times" or the "big moment of 2012", I had simply forgotten what was really important.

The big moments don't define us, they don't define our year, they don't get to determine whether the year was a disaster or a success. But instead it is the little moments, the ones that happen right in front of our eyes, the things that go unnoticed, the little things that would be forgotten if we didn't make the effort to retrieve them from our memory.
Those are the things that I wanted to focus on.


CARSON'S MILESTONES


Learning to ride  his bike with no training wheels!!

Carson started Kindergarten this year & although I can't say it's his favorite place to go he is doing well ;) It has been quite entertaining for all of us watching him adjust.

 

NATHAN'S MILESTONES
This particular child of mine just simply inspired me this year. He jumped right out of his comfort zone and tried new things. He ran for school office, won 3rd. place in oral language, is playing basketball, and took an important step in spiritual obedience and was baptized. Of all the people in our family, this was his year!

 

LANDON'S MILESTONES

And the baby of our family made sure that mom learned lessons in patience. He's really good at teaching those kind of lessons.......
                         
He continued to be a ball of energy, learned more about his food allergy, and is potty trained (on most days...) This child is going to take on the world some day, until then we will all try to keep our sanity.


Always testing the limits...........

ALLERGY AWARENESS
Our family made growth this year in how to be advocates for Landon and his allergy. I do feel like we've been able to help educate others on severe & life threatening allergies.  I am hoping that participating in the FAAN walk will become a yearly tradition and that all of us will continue to advocate on his behalf and on behalf of other children who have life threatening allergies. There are some ways that I would like to increase awareness in schools & other places and maybe this will be the year to try and put some of those plans into action.



FAAN WALK 2012

HEALTH & ILLNESS

The Year of Green Smoothies




This year has unfortunately been a year for illness and some medical mishaps, trust me we've got the medical bills to prove it.  In the early Spring, I spent about 6 weeks really sick. But of all the things that happened this year, this may have been the best. It forced me to look at how to keep myself healthy and made me realize that I could no longer put everyone else's health above my own. In order to take care of my family, I had to make sure I was taking care of myself as well. This is a lesson that I'm constantly revisiting.....






FRIENDSHIPS



This seemed to be an important year for friendship. The value of friendship in a woman's life is inexplicable. I have never been a person with many friends but instead a person with a few close friends. This is still very true for me. But I think this year, I have found how encouraging one friend can be to another and also what it means to really be there for someone. There were times this year that people really came through for me, not just in their thoughts and with their words but through their actions. I will be working hard to pay that forward this year. I have been blessed with so many beautiful friendships this year.



EXTENDED FAMILY TIME
This year started crappy, ended kind of crappy, but  I think the in between made it worth it all. We had one of the best summers we have ever had. And this was simply because we spent lots of quality time with our families. My family was here for a few weeks in June and then we went to Utah for a visit with Curt's family. All of those summer memories we will treasure for a long time. I am missing being close to family and hope to create more family memories this year.


MOMMY AHA MOMENTS...
I think of the mommy aha moments as all of those moments that no one ever saw a picture of, the news that didn't get into your "newsfeed" and all those private moments where you just grew or learned something new about yourself. For me, a big one was that God created me to be the mother of these three beautiful boys. He gave them to me and me to them. There is no one else who can do it better because he specifically called ME to be their mother. So this is the year that I will try to shrug off those mommy insecurities. Yes, I will make mistakes. No, I will not be perfect. But I refuse to focus on my imperfections and how someone else may do it better. Instead, I will learn from my mistakes, rely on God's guidance, and pour out unconditional love over my children.




 

 

 

 

 

Read or Don't Read......

I haven't written in forever...........this is due to a combination of MANY things such as an incredibly busy summer, everyday busy life with 3 very busy boys, etc.  And although there have been many things on my heart, I just haven't had the words to say what it is I want to say. I sat down to write a few times during the past month but the screen remained blank each time. So instead of writing on my blog, I wrote in my childrens' journal or went on to some mundane chore such as laundry or whatever else needed to be done around the house.

As this week went on, I just had an urgency to write something, anything. It was then that I realized part of my so called "writers block" was stemming from the fact that I would be writing something that I would allow others to read. For some reason, I was thinking of who would read it,what would they think and so forth. And then I realized it didn't really matter. Sometimes many people will read what I write and other times almost no one reads what I write.  But I started this blog as a way to slow down and pay attention to what is happening in my life and my family's lives. Hence, the title.....In Front of My Eyes. I chose to share my blog with people who could either relate or family because it is a great way for them to keep up as many of them live far away. Some family members find our lives entertaining....I think entertaining in that way where it's funny as long as it's not happening to you.

Anyways, it's time for me to put my fingers to the keyboard again. Not because I think I'm a good at writing, not so that others will know what is going in our lives, not because I like to over share or because I care what others think. But I need to write again because to me....it is therapy. Some people like to run or exercise to relieve stress or  help themselves feel better. I like to write.  It's the best tool I have for expressing myself and it allows me to hold onto memories that would otherwise fade away because let's face it, sometimes we're just too busy to stop and remember.

So  I could write and just keep it to myself, that would be the safe thing to do. No one to judge my decisions, my parenting, my thoughts, or well my writing. But although it can make you feel vulnerable, it can also be very freeing. So here it goes, maybe you'll read sometimes and maybe you won't, maybe you'll think I'm crazy, and maybe every time I write a post you'll skip over it. Or maybe you'll be able to relate to some of my insecurities, our family's struggles, my good & bad decisions in parenting and so forth. But read or don't read.......I've got to get back to my therapy :)

Confession Time

I was missing it all. How did it happen so slowly but yet in an instant? I was there the whole time but yet I feel like it happened without me. It was right in front of my eyes and still I feel like I missed out. I was there all along…………but was I really? 

What I’m referring to is the growth and the childhood of my 3 little boys, who aren’t as little as I would like to think. I mean they are still all under the age of 10 but I just feel like they’re growing up so very quickly. Everyone says it, right? ….. “They grow up so fast “or “Enjoy them when they’re little, they’ll be all grown up before you know it”.  Yes, I’ve heard it many times and probably been guilty of saying it myself. 

In the last few weeks, I’ve come to a few realizations….First, I have been missing out on the little things that I was too busy to notice before.  I’ve spent a lot of time rushing to get from one thing to the next, so much so that sometimes I forgot where I’m supposed to be going. Second, I’m a horrible mother when it comes to documenting or photographing my children’s childhoods and special events. I don’t know how many times I show up to a program or school party and realize I have forgotten my camera AGAIN.  My oldest son has 5 Scrapbooks, 3 photo albums, 2 baby books, and a journal from when he was in the womb. I know, the blessing of being the first born child. The second child is still 4 months old in his ONLY scrapbook and the third child has a half filled out baby book. In fact, we have very few pictures in our home of our “baby” because I haven’t even taken the time to develop them. I know….I’m awful!

Trust me the mom guilt is eating away at me as I’m writing. But perhaps the most honest realization that I've had is that life is going by quickly and I’m missing it all…....kind of like when you arrive at a destination and don't remember how you got there.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a neglectful mother, or a mom who is not interested in her children’s lives. I ,like most moms I know, constantly give motherhood all that I have.  However, during the last few years;  I have worked full time from home, been a full time stay at home mom, preschool room mom, worked on volunteer work for foster children, participated in bible studies, and  homeschooled my oldest son with two little ones at home as well. Honestly, I have been doing what most mom’s do……" doing  it all". I am not complaining of the busyness.  Most people who know me well, know that I enjoy doing many things and most of the time I put it on myself.  Yes, I know some of you are laughing or gasping out loud because I just admitted to what you’ve been thinking all this time. My schedule tends to be full not because I can’t say no but because I don’t want to say no. I want to do it all. I thrive on the chaos that is called my life. So it is not the full schedule that I am regretful of, because I believe there can be purpose in a busy schedule. Instead the regret I feel is that I never stopped for a moment to notice the little things. And I am just starting to learn that there is a lot to be learned from the simplicity of life.

And so this is how this blog has evolved. It is my journey of forcing myself to take the time to notice what is right in front of my eyes........