My New Word.......And Matters of the Heart

I haven't written on my blog since November, except for the unfinished, unpublished piece that started like this.....

I'm a mess.

I don't think I've always been a mess but I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like I was a mess. A few weeks back, a friend posted about being a beautiful mess and I love that saying. Only it doesn't feel very beautiful to be as messy as I am. But with my one word this  year.....I am embracing the beautiful mess that I am.

And so I'm guessing it has most likely been about a month since I've tried to get something written on my blog. But when I went back and looked and read past blog posts, looked at kids' pictures, and reflected on the last few years it hit me that the point of keeping my blog has always been to document what is happening right now, in front of my eyes so that the memories don't slip away. Life gets so busy and we get caught up in all of the daily to dos and the big moments that all those little moments and feelings seem to get forgotten.

Anyways, I'm not actually writing to talk about how I haven't made the time to journal or to write or about how busy I've been. But really I wanted to write about my new ONE WORD, because I'm excited about it and how it's changing my outlook for the positive.

Last year, I never wrote about my word. Only those friends who also participate in ONE WORD 365 with me may have known what my word was. If you're confused and you have no idea what ONE WORD 365 is then you can read about the first time I encountered my ONE WORD and how it changed the way I made resolutions here   or  you can google it and you will find a ton of information!

Last year, the word I chose was RENEWAL. I was having a baby and I was excited to see Renewal of life and was hoping that it would just be a renewal of all things that surrounded our life; renewal of finances (following a year of my husband being so ill with Valley Fever), renewal, of energy, renewal of relationships, renewal of health for everyone in our family.....I just so badly wanted to have a clean slate or fresh start in all areas of our lives. The verse I chose to go with my one word was Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. "

So, obviously there was a renewal of life with our sweet Evan Thomas being born. Seriously, he is such a joy! But renewal of finances and health and....oh a clean heart, yeah none of that was really happening. I honestly kept my word in front of me, close to me, I thought of it but it just made me feel angry. Our finances were still in a situation of playing catch up from my husband being out of work, the medical bills from him being out of work were only being added to with a new stack of bills from delivering a new baby, and to top it off the husband ended up in hospital having his appendix out on the 4th. of July. It wasn't quite ending up to be the year, I wanted it to be. I started the school year with lots of difficulties in finding childcare and all on little or no sleep because the sweet angel happened to be our worst sleeper.

All in all, as the year came to an end.....a lot of that finally seemed to work itself out and look like it was headed in a better direction. But it wasn't until the last month or two of the year. It was close towards the end of the year when I was searching for a new word that it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe....just maybe...renewal wasn't happening in most areas of my life because, well because it wasn't happening in my heart. It was an issue of the heart. I wasn't praying that prayer "Create in me a clean heart." At that point, I wanted to dig deep inside my heart and just take all the built up gunk out, all the insecurity, the frustration for things going down a different path then what I had hoped for.  I said it was fine, acted like it was great because I don't believe in worrying. God will work all things out, his plan is always greater than our own. I truly believe that. However, it doesn't mean we don't build up walls or allow resentment to grow in our heart when life takes us on unplanned detours.

And this is how I pretty much came upon my new word.....it doesn't matter what gets thrown at us in our lives. There will be moments of joy, moments of sadness, times where we feel hurt, times when things work out just how we planned, and of course there will always be the detours. I find comfort in knowing God already has these detours in motion, that he knows what we don't. But this year, I plan to EMBRACE all that my life brings me....all of it; the messy homeschool days, the insecurities that I allow to eat at me, the chaos of having 4 boys, the sock bucket that never gets matched, just EMBRACE the beautiful mess that I truly am.

And you know what? It's already been so freeing!!

The verse I am focusing on this year is 2 Cor. 12:10 "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Because this year, I plan to embrace all of my weaknesses because God will use them for his glory. When I am weak, I have strength in him.

And I was just going to keep it to myself again this year but I am so excited because so many people have chosen words. And I keep those words all year long and think of you if you share them with me. I love seeing how this new trend of a New Year's Resolution motivates people. A good friend shared her story of her ONE WORD on a podcast and sent it to me. I had tears in my eyes as I listened to how powerful her word was in her life during the year.
What better way to start the year off than to EMBRACE all that life has to offer.....after all it is a pretty special gift!

Giving up on matching socks! Evan found them and it was his new toy for the day! Embrace the mess, it can be fun :)

These little guys don't always get along. But here big brother is giving little brother a piggy back ride. Even though they were being loud and almost waking baby, Embracing the moment.

It's A Busy Season.......Too Busy For Mom Guilt?

Four months. That's how long since I've written or documented anything on my blog. I guess you could say I've been a little busy. But it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to write. It is my outlet, every part of my being has been calling me back to this computer screen. Not to mention my lack of documenting my children's  lives, especially after losing 600 pictures off of my phone. However, life is busy....and I can't always say what I'm busy doing. Days go by and I can't remember what happened for the previous 3 or 4 days....life, REAL life keeps people busy. You know the kind where people have jobs to tend to, bills to pay, meals to cook, children to discipline, errands to run, laundry to wash, houses to clean.........just day to day life is busy.

And then I remembered, that was the point. The point of why and when I started my blog. It was to force myself to slow down, to take in lessons from everyday life, to find the beauty in the mundane, tedious parts of our lives.

And so it's not some special Christmas memory, or the miracle of carrying a baby, or anything that I particularly care to remember. It's not some vital life lesson that I've learned that's driven me back to writing.

Nope, instead it's just plain old Mom Guilt. Nothing new, nothing unfamiliar. Same old insecurity, fears of inadequacies, and the blame game in which the finger is always pointing back at myself.

In the past two years, during the Christmas season we started some new traditions, made a ton of crafts, and seemed to really enjoy and take in the holiday season. Even though we experienced the loss of our baby during this time last year, our family seemed to really engulf the holidays.

In the last two weeks that I have been on vacation, I have been completely engulfed in mom guilt. You'd think that being on vacation I'd be able to do all of those same things that I've purposely done the last two years to help create special memories with the kids. But it just seemed that I was so behind on everything for countless reasons and  everything felt rushed. Every time I turned around I felt like there is another one of my inadequacies staring me in the face. And I'm not talking just about the holiday part of this mom business. Closets full of disorganization to the point where things are falling out. You know when you have to shut the door super fast so nothing falls out... Pictures laying around, stacks of paperwork that need to be filed, lists of phone calls to be made, and the to do list goes on.....

In the past few months, I haven't taken very many pictures of my kids. I feel like their growing up so quickly and I don't take enough pictures. And then when I do, what do I do with them? They sit on my phone for a long time or I put them up on a social media site, and occasionally they get transferred to the computer where they sit. I haven't put a new picture up in our house in a REALLY long time. My kids all took school pictures this year but none of them are in a frame. I don't even think I sent any out to family members. The other day in the hall closet I found their elementary scrapbooks where you keep their school memories......half empty from last year and not even filled in at all for this year. Let alone, hopefully I can find the pictures needed to go in the books.

So, in photo documentation ...this momma is not making the grade.

And all of my other guilt eaters are not new if you know me, I think I was just able to fake it for awhile. The busier you get the harder it is to fake things that you weren't really good at in the first place. I told my husband last night, I'm not any good at any of that mommy stuff; I don't cook well, can't sew, I am clean but have been a horrible housekeeper lately with the laundry always five steps ahead, hate baking, and honestly anything domestic really seems to be just a little out of my reach. He tried to make me feel better and say that when I have time to dedicate to those things I can be good at them, but I told him there are other people who do it well and they work, they have kids, they seem to manage it all. And he really can't understand. On Christmas Eve, he cooked tamales, chicken enchiladas, baked a cake, and made homemade sugar cookies for Santa.......all after I had messed up at least three dinners the previous week......

So in the domestic arena.....failing miserably.

And it seems like it all comes down to time. So I rush through the days, hoping to get everything done. Hoping at the end of the day, the house will be clean, laundry done, I'll have prepared a healthy meal for my family to eat, the kids will be getting along when dad gets home, and when there is work involved I'm always hoping it's completed and I'm ready for my teaching days. Oh and here's to always hoping the first graders schoolwork is completed so that we don't have to do anything after dinner except baths and bedtime. Do you know how often that happens?......Hmm, rarely if ever. Today is a good day, because the house is clean and the laundry is pretty much caught up. The kids have been entertained and so when the husband gets home....all will be peaceful and I've planned us a nice dinner...... out at a restaurant. And we didn't have school work today, lesson plans, or grading. So all of this makes me feel inadequate. Like I should be able to get more done, and wishing what was getting done was getting done better. Seriously, where does the time go in a day??

So this mom guilt comes in many forms and sometimes I convince myself I must be the only feeling it, like I'm the only mom who thinks it's difficult to balance it all. But I don't think it's true, I just think it shows it's ugly self in different ways for different mamas.

And after the last few days of letting the guilt eat away at my self esteem, I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is.  Life goes through many seasons, I may not be able to be as intentional as I'd like to during this season of our life.  I have a job that I love where I feel like I'm contributing and making a difference. A job that for so many reasons I truly believe God has called me to do. But in order to do that job well, it takes up a lot of time that I used to have for other things and there's only so much time in a day.   I have a fourth baby on the way and I'm homeschooling my first grader, which on some days feels like a full time job.  And the energized four year old...... let's just say he keeps us on our toes. None of those are a small task all on their own, put them all together and there's a lot going on. We are in a busy season in our lives.

But here's what it boils down to. There are days we are so tired that we are just trying to get to the next day. If we could fast forward the time from 6pm-8pm on some days we probably would. Does that make us bad parents? Does it mean we don't want to enjoy every moment or that we don't love our children? No. It just means we're human. We do the best we can and on some days the best we can involves eating fast food and skipping baths. I'm not a supermom, I'm not a perfect mom. And some days I don't even feel like a good mom. But what I know in my heart is, I'm doing the best that I can for my family. And instead of focusing on all of the things I'm not doing or that I should be doing better, I need to focus more on what I am already doing. Because they're watching me all the time and they're learning more from my character and how I treat others more than anything I could ever do for them. So maybe they'll grow up with a mom who's the worst cook, one who didn't take a lot of pictures and put them into cute baby books, one who forgets appointments ALL of the time, and they may remember the constant pile of laundry and having to get clean clothes off the floor in my room and their mismatched socks from the sock bucket (because I hate matching socks). But if I can teach them how to treat people, how to be patient, and how to love another person......then honestly nothing else really matters.

Pizza For Breakfast

 

12:30 a.m I woke up just because. Checked on everyone.

2:30 a.m. Oldest had a bloody nose. He woke up the youngest and I laid with him til he went back to sleep.

4:30 a.m. Husband starts to snore and cough. Does not respond to my not so gentle nudges to roll over. I go to the couch to sleep for the remainder of the night or do you call that morning.

6:00 a.m. Middle child is awake for the day and finds me asleep on the couch. Turns on T.V. blaring  loud........ he doesn't know how to adjust the volume.

I fall asleep for about 20 minutes, praying no one else wakes up until 7. But that is about when the middle child insists on eating leftover pizza for breakfast. I tell him no, that's what is going in his lunch. He keeps insisting. I give in. Because giving in may mean just a little bit more sleep. He eats cold pizza for breakfast. I think I was too tired to notice. The youngest gets up about 15 minutes later. Sees his brother eating pizza for breakfast and wants the same. Fine, you can both have pizza for breakfast. But he wants his warm. Okay, time to leave the couch bed. Sigh. At this moment, I remember I was supposed to make these healthy blueberry muffins for breakfast that I'd been trying to make all week. I'm discouraged but think there's always tomorrow.

Get a text from the neighbor. I forgot to return the foil I borrowed and she needs it to finish baking an egg casserole for our MOPS meeting. Ooops. Send one of the children over to return it. The other child proceeds to throw a 20 minute tantrum because I didn't let him go. Get a text from a dear friend with not so good news. Say a prayer for her and her family and move on to finish dealing with the end of the tantrum.

It is now 7 a.m.

7 a.m. and I am already looking forward to nap time.  I haven't even made lunches and nobody is dressed but I am envisioning nap time when all will be quiet again.

The next hour was full of the same prodding for them to be ready on time and sibling rivalry that can happen on any given morning. Except that mom was a little more tired than usual, which means less patience.  Got the big boys off to school and the little guy & I got ready for our MOPS meeting. I'm in charge of bringing juice to MOPS, it's our turn to provide breakfast. No big deal, I bought the juice last weekend. Open the fridge to realize husband drank the juice. I told husband not to drink the juice but he says he didn't ever hear me say that. Big Sigh. Rant and rave a little about how I SPECIFICALLY said for no one to drink THIS JUICE.

It is now almost 9 a.m. And I was dreaming of the large cup of coffee that was waiting for me at MOPS.......

Every morning is not like this. But I believe most moms have moments like these. Maybe their kids didn't eat pizza for breakfast but I bet all moms have had those mornings when nothing seemed to go quite right or those nights when mom is up meeting every one's needs and so she is not sleeping. And on the way to my MOPS meeting, I just realized that so many of us pretend these moments don't happen. We go along with our day, pretending we weren't up all night, smiling as if everything is the same today as any other day. Maybe it isn't our children, instead maybe we received bad news or we are not feeling well. Yet, as women we go along with our day pretending as if everything is okay.  And yet I think this is a disservice to other women. Because what we see is......a woman who has it all together and we think to ourselves " what am I doing wrong", "why does it seem so easy for her", "how does she get it all done". And we beat ourselves up.

Now I'm not saying we should all be out there complaining about the hard work of motherhood. I'm just saying we should be honest. Honest with ourselves, honest with others. It is hard work, it is tiring, and some days are better than others.

So in the spirit of being honest. I let my kids eat pizza for breakfast today. I got mad at my poor sick husband for drinking my juice (dumb I know but that's what happens when you lack sleep), and I was wishing it was nap time by 9a.m. But chances are there are a dozen other moms who had a rough morning and may have been feeling the same way........maybe even another mom who let their kid eat pizza for breakfast ;)

Home but Not Home

This is my home.
But why then doesn't it always feel like home?

We moved to this town when we were 25 years old, with a new baby, and  dreams for a better future. We have lived in this town now for almost 11  years.   This house has been our home that entire time, minus the 6 months it was being built. We have spent the majority of our married life here.  And so it is our home.

But yet it is not. Or at least it, that is how it feels at times.

Our oldest took his first steps in the front yard of this home  a few days after we moved in. I always joked that he was waiting for more room so he could learn to walk. I can remember clearly the day we brought the 2 younger boys home from the hospital after they were born. I can recall rocking babies, nursing babies, tending to sick kids, and thinking on more than one occasion...is it possible for our carpet to take more abuse? And every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. Paint, food, drinks, throw up, poop (yep even that), have infested our carpet time and time again. It's nothing fancy but it is ours. My home. My spouse's home. And my children's home.

But sometimes, more times than I'd like to admit, it feels like I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

Each and every room is like a package full of memories. I can sit in a room for a few minutes and memories inundate my mind. I see Curt and I discussing where furniture should go, picking out paint colors, me getting in the way of my handy man husband, arguing over exactly where to hang things, and me choosing difficult tasks such as painting a striped room with 4 colors or cutting down bookshelves to make them fit. Or the time when I had him make our headboard out of a door. The sandbox he built in the backyard when Carson was born because he got bored on paternity leave. There is not one part of this house that we have not worked on together. We have literally put sweat and tears into each one of these rooms. Our marriage turns a little love/hate when we do projects together. We are each perfectionist in our own ways. And so this house contains many reflections of how we've learned to work together and how our marriage has evolved.  And  even though we have lived in many other places together, this is the only  home our marriage truly knows.

Yet, there are times when I am driving toward my house and I don't feel as if I am going the right way. When we come home from out of town and I don't have that  sigh of relief, that feeling of home is just around the corner......

And then there's my neighborhood. I can not tell you how fabulous my neighborhood is. You truly have to live in it to understand. I am so blessed and incredibly grateful for my neighbors, location, schools, love it all!

And still, there's unrest.

I think there are many reasons why I feel this way. But I think maybe, although I am not sure, one of the reasons of unrest is because we are not from here. We are transplants from...well from almost a totally different world. But in that "other" world, we had history. We had family, friends that had known us since before puberty, places of reference. You know the kind of places you drive by and say, "Remember when . . . ".  And here our history started when we moved here. After we were married. After we had our first child. We have very few points of reference.

We had to start all over. When we moved here, we only knew 2 people. That's it......... just 2. And we had to build our lives here from scratch. We started new jobs, expanded our family, and yes we met some new friends too. I have met some pretty amazing people who have shown themselves time and time again that they are real friends. But yet, when things happen or when events need to planned & attended you realize that you are in fact still building your life. It has been 11 years and we are still finding our niche.

This is our home but yet it is still not our home. And I think in my heart, it may never be my home.
It is not easy when (besides my sister) the closest relative lives 2 hours away. And then there are other relatives that live a few states away and then even more relatives who live on the other side of the country. And our family never takes a real vacation because vacations are happily used up to go visit our families. It saddens me to think that my children will not see one set of their grandparents for the rest of this year because of a cancer diagnosis. And on top of that, my husband and I will not even be close enough to help. And when things happen in our family, I know they struggle because they can not just jump in the car and come to our rescue. We must rely on those amazing people that are not our family that have come into our lives to lend a hand when we hit rough spots.

And although I've always felt this way, it has been particularly hard this year.  And this past month.
But I think it's important when I feel like this, to look at the truth. Not how I feel. But just the simple truth. And what I know to be true is;
1. Even if this doesn't feel like my home, where I came from doesn't feel like it either. It is not a   
    place where I want to live or raise my children.
2. We did find a better life. In so many ways.
3. Although it may not always feel like home to me, it probably will to my children. Because they   
   are building their own history.
4. I love my home. And I love that it is a place that stores so many of our memories.

And so on days like today when I go to the park and see another group of mom friends having a play date, when Curt and I want to go out and have a hard time finding a sitter, or when we spend another holiday away from family........I will just try to remember the truth.

And when I look at it that way, it's all good.

I will keep joining new groups (some work out, some don't), continue to participate in bible studies at different churches, engage my kids in various activities to keep them involved. We will keep building memories in our home and building our history here with our children. And love on those people who have carved out special places in my heart.

And one more thing I'm certain of , is that even if this town does not always scream home to me,  I was supposed to end up here ......at least for now.

I know the following aren't the best pics but I haven't scanned them so they're just from my phone.



Curt, me,& Nathan standing at the front door of our
 home when it was being built. And Nathan crawling across the concrete foundation
that is now our house.

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To Share Or Not To Share.....Oversharing

Hello my name is Kelly and I am an oversharer.

Seriously, I feel like it's a disease or something. I wonder if there is an OverSharer Anonymous Group, my husband would probably sign me up right away.  Maybe there's a 12 step program that can help me to not share everything from what I ate for breakfast to what my kids did or didn't do to what is just pouring out of my heart. This week I realized, I am an oversharer. I know, you're shocked right? I mean I write about my family and my own personal feelings and I'm addicted to social media. But somehow I just realized, I am an oversharer.

 

The fact that I can be an oversharer was actually a surprise to me. And this is because I am an introvert. That may be surprising to hear but really I am. I am not a people person, I do not like social gatherings......and all that other stuff that goes along with being an introvert. I'm happier with a good book, my computer, or a hot bath than good company. I know, it's sad. But true. And I didn't know introverts could be oversharers.......

I was getting my taxes done and the nice lady who was getting all of my information down was talking about her little boy. Her son is only about a month younger than Landon. So we were talking about boys, how busy they are, and all that good mom stuff. But you see this mom only has one child, only one boy. I have THREE boys. So she starts to tell me something then stops and then she says, " Oh, you'll understand. You're a mom too. " And she proceeds to tell me how her little boy had to go to the bathroom SO  bad when they were out that they had to just let him pee on a bush because there were no restrooms. The way she was acting, I thought she was going to tell me some horrendous thing her son had done. I almost started laughing, not because of what he did but because I was just picturing how my son had just pooped his pants at the park a few days before because he couldn't make it to the bathroom. Imagine if I had told her that story. Or what if I shared with her the time when my son started wiping his nose on my neighbors carpet, because I guess he thought it was a tissue. Or the time when my oldest son threw glass coasters at a friend's house and it shattered on her wood floor (Who owns glass coasters anyways?).  The time my 5 year old was taking bites of another kids' lunch or how about when my 3 year old told someone at a basketball game that he had an owie on his pee pee. I mean my kids are not horrible but let me tell you, they have given me a lifetime of embarrassing moments. But the way this other mom acted about telling me something so simple, made me realize I am a little open about what is happening in my life.

I have lots of friends that do not overshare. They rarely post a status to their facebook or a picture on their instagram. I have really good friends who do not even have a facebook account. Shocking. I know. And I am not only referring to social media when I talk about oversharing. I am also talking about candid conversation. Some people are not as open as others. And I respect privacy and people wanting to be private people. And just because I am an oversharer does not mean your secret is not safe with me. I am if nothing, a good secret keeper.

 

But occasionally I struggle with my desire to overshare. Why do I struggle? I struggle because I will think about other people and what they are or are not sharing. I try to put a gage on what is appropriate and what is not. Where is the line between friendly conversation, telling a friend something meaningful, and just letting your heart seep out to anyone who will listen?  I honestly don't know. I think it is a line that needs to be flexible. Flexible for different friends, different people, different circumstances, and perhaps different seasons in life.

 

At a bible study once, I heard a woman give this testimony. She threw it all out there and shared some of the most intimate moments of her life. I was in awe of  her strength, her courage, and her story. And I will never forget when we got up to leave, the girl next to me said, "Wow, I didn't know she was going to share all of THAT. That was kind of personal. " And it made me so sad. After all, if we can't share with other believers what ugliness God has used for his purpose than what good is the story he has given us.

 

Anyways, I don't have some great story. But I do know when I try to stifle myself from oversharing, when I attempt to tone down what is seeping from my heart, and when I try to keep too much inside ..... I don't feel like me anymore.

 

So in honor of being true to myself

I will continue to overshare...........

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Remember or Forget?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I wish someone would have told me the honest truth about parenting. Truly I wish they would have kept all the stuff about pacifiers, breastfeeding, crying it out, sleep training, and natural remedies to themselves and just given me the simple truth. Someone should have said to us, "Parenting will be full of embarrassing moments. You will be more embarrassed than you've ever been......time and time again. You will never do anything harder or more important. Just remember to love and forgive, yourselves and them.....OFTEN."

Okay, I have active little boys and maybe that makes us more prone to embarrassing moments. However, I have some honest friends who have shared some of their embarrassing parenting moments and so I'm pretty sure it's not just me. But why doesn't anyone tell you that along with being sleep deprived you will also be subject to some very humiliating moments?  My theory is simply this.....we forget. I think part of parenting must be like childbirth. There are parts of it that you just simply forget because they are too painful to remember; like the terrible 2s that can last until their 4, or the sleepless nights when they are newborns, or the stomach flus that last for weeks because they just spread from one family member to another. In the moment that it's happening it's the worst thing ever but when it's over it can quickly dull to a distant memory.....like childbirth. You remember it hurt like hell, at some point it felt like the pain would never end, but then that sweet baby was handed over to you and THAT is the moment that remains engrained in your memory.

I want to remember.

And by remember I don't mean being able to recall the big milestones such as; when they got their first tooth, when they started walking, or what age did they start calling me mom instead of mommy (yes that is a big milestone to me). But instead, I want to have an accurate recollection of what it was to be their mother. Some days I think it's the best job God ever gave me and others I'm not quite sure he chose the right person. At times, I am congratulating myself for a job well done and then there's those moments where I feel a complete and sudden urge to immediately enroll in a parenting class because of my motherly inadequacies. I want to remember all of that.....I think.

A friend and I have a joke that when people our age were kids that kids must have been so much easier. Babies seemed to sleep through the night, children didn't talk back, no one had any sleeping issues, we rarely hear of temper tantrums, picky eaters were just not allowed, and how many times do you hear older moms say, " Oh, so and so never did that. " I know we live in different times but kids are still kids. They are going to push their limits, get crabby, and so forth.  I NEVER want to be that person who says to a younger mom, " Wow, you must really have your hands full." Instead, I always want to be that person who remembers what it FELT like to have my hands full.

But just how much do I want to remember? Are some things better off forgotten? I mean this is one of the main reasons why I blog, so that I can remember motherhood.....in all of it's gloriness and goriness. But are there memories, like the pain in childbirth, that should remain a forgotten memory? And if so, which memories do we treasure and which do we conveniently allow to escape into the black abyss of forgetfulness? And is it a conscious choice? I don't think so......but maybe it should be.

Something happened a few months ago that has triggered this kind of game in my head. Remember or Forget? And it kind of makes me laugh. It makes me laugh because at the time, what happened seemed so horrible that I thought I'd never forget it but then a few days later I had forgotten it already. I have all these memories that have flooded my head, most of them embarrassing and I have been thinking do I want to remember that or let it become blurry where it won't seem as bad as it really was. And as I go through the list, most memories I choose to remember. Well, that's mostly true. The moments that you can look back on and laugh about are easy to remember.  But it is the moments that were not funny, moments that were sad or where there was forgiveness needed either by the parent or the child that are not so fun to remember. Or scary moments when children were hurt or sick, those aren't all that fun to remember either. But I'm working up on drudging them all up because like I said, I want to remember this season of my life in all it's authenticity.




Sharing With


 

ONE WORD

I did not choose this word. It chose me....

January....January....Good old January....In this month I usually have some type of New Year's Resolution, goals I'd like to accomplish or at least a direction that my life should be heading. However, this year with change on the horizon I simply didn't feel like it. Decisions to make, decisions to be made for us, just felt like I didn't want any added pressure. Then a few weeks ago I went to MOPS and I saw this flier about how this woman chooses one word each year. No promises for how you're going to do better, how much weight you're going to lose, or what financial changes you're going to make........just simply one word that you can embrace for that year.

I loved this idea! In fact I loved this idea so much that my overachieving self told my husband that we were going to do this as a family and we should choose a new word for EVERY month. After sitting with that idea for exactly one day........ I changed my mind. The point of this was to simplify and I was setting myself up for more work. Forcing my family to partake in my word, having to choose a new word every month, blah blah blah. Scratch that idea. One person, one word, one year. Simple enough, right?

Determined to find the perfect word, I began a list of words or areas that I thought could use some extra attention in my life.  Some of the words that came to my mind were choices, strength, truth, encourage, patience, listen, joy and the list went on but none of these words seemed to click.  Then I realized I was trying to be in charge and it really wasn't about where I wanted to go this year but where God chooses to lead me.  And so I prayed. Sometimes, many times, we may not like what God has to say.

I had written the rest of this post explaining how my word came to find me. Then...... I deleted it all. 

Too hard to explain all the details so here goes the short version..... about a month ago, I had a dream. In the dream there was a bible verse and it spoke about being strong and courageous. After that dream this particular verse seemed to appear everywhere. It is actually the same verse that is on my FB cover because like I said I have been inundated with this section of the bible. Since I was drawn to this verse I had this discussion with God about how I really didn't want to choose any of those words; strong, brave, or courageous. Even though those seemed to be the words he continued to nudge at me. I simply told him that those weren't fun or exciting words and he must have something better in store me. I prayed that through my bible study he would reveal a better word.....a word that I would be excited about, one that would make me feel inspired. I was sure that I was misunderstanding and that soon I would have just the perfect word. Thing is, you can't really argue with God. Five minutes into my bible study and there in my homework I was being asked to look up this same verse again with these words.....Be Strong and Very Courageous...

 

Uggh.....there it was AGAIN. Really? Really God? Do I have to be those things? If I have to be strong and courageous does that mean bad things are going to happen? Does it mean I have to do things out of my comfort zone? Just how courageous are you going to want me to be? Then for a day or so, I thought maybe just maybe I didn't want to do this "one word" for the  year anyways. That my original plan was better, no resolutions, no goals, keep it simple.  But then the word kept popping up even more.  And so out of obedience, I will embrace this word and see what it has in store for me. But I have to tell you, I am not super excited. I'm a little nervous and I'm not sure how someone who doesn't feel very brave is going to take on such a powerful word.

And so the word I will focus on for 2013 is

P.S.  This "One Word"  thing is actually a big deal.  People have written books, blogs, articles, etc.  on this approach to embracing one word for the entire year. If you haven't heard of it before, just google it, you will see lots of info. on it. If you've never thought about it, think about it. What one word would you choose to guide, inspire, and influence your new  year?



A Safe Place

Last month, a man walked into an elementary school and took away innocent lives. Sweet, sweet innocent lives of young children. It is so incredibly disturbing to me. Almost a month later and it still just weighs heavy on my heart. On Christmas, I imagined those poor parents and families whose children were not there to open their gifts. The stockings that were hung and never needed to be filled. Parents who didn't get to hear the pitter patter of  little feet before daylight or see their beautiful faces when they opened up their gifts. For those families, every Christmas, all holidays, everyday life as they know it is forever changed.

And where did this horrific event happen? At school. A place to learn, a place to grow, a place where we send our children to everyday, a place that is supposed to be safe.  For some children, school IS the safest place for them to be. When I taught in low income schools, many children had more security and felt safer at school than they did at home. And yet now my kids go to school where they are actually locked inside their classroom all day long and only their teacher is allowed to answer the door. I am not knocking their security, I am grateful that the school is going the extra lengths to make sure my children are safe. But how sad is that? .....that  I am actually grateful . Grateful because my children sit in a locked room at school for their protection just so someone can't come into their classroom and gun them down while they are learning their math facts.

And then today close to our community, there was another school shooting. Another child shot while at school. Another teacher injured while trying to protect students.  And all in their safe place. What is next? Are our schools going to end up looking like the airports' security system?  Will there be metal detectors and random pat down searches?  Do we need to offer programs on Bullying along with How To Avoid a Shooter? Is this the future for our schools that once offered a place of safety? 

I don't understand how we got here.  I don't pretend to have any answers as to how to make it better. And I don't want to argue about gun control, how to treat mentally ill patients, the catastrophic causes of bullying, or which part of society is most to blame. It's not that I don't have opinions on these topics or that I don't think they are important or relevant to these situations. But sometimes people get so caught up in arguing their point of view, defending their beliefs, and trying to prove the other side wrong that it results in more division. On these issues, many people take such a strong stance and then they refuse to see it from any other point of view. It ends up becoming more important to be right than to be empathetic, than to acknowledge the severity of the tragedy that has occurred. This just causes more hatred, selfishness, more divisiveness, and hence more tragedies.

The more I thought about how devastated I was in our schools' safety  and what the future may hold for my children, I realized that maybe they weren't actually as safe as I thought  and perhaps maybe there is a bigger picture of safety to be seen. Although I had seen schools as being a safe place, I bet there are a lot of children and grown adults who would disagree. Lots of things can happen to our children when they are out of our presence. At school our children can be bullied, made to feel inadequate or not as smart, feel left out, get berated by someone at the school, be treated unfairly, or be in an unsafe neighborhood where there are constant fights. I am not pretending that those things are  nearly as unsafe or deadly as shootings. However, I just realized the importance of helping our children to find their own safe place in a very unsafe world.

We send our children into a hazardous world every day. These kinds of incidents can happen anywhere, they do happen anywhere; movie theaters, malls, front yards, etc. We can not put our children in a bubble and protect them from physical or any other kind of harm. I can be cautious (without being paranoid) and teach them to be cautious as well. But all I can really do is pray for them and teach them how to find a safe place to go within themselves when things become scary and difficult. I hope that I can help my children create their own safe place by loving them unconditionally, teaching them to stand up for what they believe in while not degrading others for their own beliefs, and raising them with a faith so strong that they will have an immense sense of peace when nothing else is peaceful.

Tis the Season of Hope......

I have been wanting to write. I have been needing to write. Because writing is like therapy to me and I guess I'm in some need of therapy. But I have been too tired, too busy, pregnant, not pregnant, and engulfed in the holiday season. What a whirlwind of a month!

I would have to say that November and December were like a roller coaster ride that you couldn't wait to get on, couldn't wait to get off, wanted back on, and then wish you never rode. The month has been full of emotions from surprise, joy, excitement, grief, sadness, appreciation, and most importantly hope.  At the end of it all, I'm sure there are some life lessons to be learned and I truly believe all things happen for a reason. However, I haven't been off the ride long enough to be able to decipher all of that yet.

In November, we found out that we were expecting our 4th. baby. Expected, unexpected, planned, unplanned............could be explained as all of the above. That my friends is kind of a long, personal story. But when you have a hard time conceiving babies (another long story) and you are convinced your hormones are out of whack and you are in perimenopause, you find yourself pleasantly surprised when you are pregnant with your 4th. child. It doesn't matter that the 3 you already have are all high energy little boys or that financially it may be a little tight. It doesn't matter that you may have to rearrange some things in your home or that your return to the workforce may be delayed. It doesn't matter that you may not sleep for the next year or two AGAIN or that you may need to purchase some items you thought you wouldn't need anymore. And it doesn't matter how many people are surprised at the news, although it took awhile for me to accept that one. Why doesn't any of it matter?Because your heart has immediately grown larger to make room for the baby you will one day hold, love, and call your own. Your heart has already made room for a new addition. When God allows us the privilege of creating and bringing another human being into the world, you can't help but feel hopeful. There is hope for new beginnings, hope for things to work out just the way they're supposed to, and hope to do better.... to try harder.

A little less than 3 weeks ago, I had a routine doctor appointment. Routine. That's kind of a funny word because there's nothing routine about life. I think it's when we expect "routine" that we get the unexpected. Before I had my appointment with the Dr., I had to meet with the nurse and the billing lady to discuss all the insurance info. Therefore, I spent the first hour and a half filling out forms, collecting magazines, baby info., deciding what tests I would and wouldn't do (mostly wouldn't), and even choosing which hospital I would deliver at.  After two hours of being at the doctor's office, I was finally called in to see the doctor. Weight check, blood pressure, pee in the cup, wait in the room for 20 minutes.....all the standard pregnancy check up procedures. But what wasn't standard was that I was in my 2nd. trimester and when the doctor put the small, cold metal doppler on my tummy.......he couldn't detect a heartbeat. He tried for a long time and I prayed for the sound I had heard a million times before with my other babies, but there was not heartbeat to be heard. The Dr. immediately sent me for an ultrasound but I already knew the truth. Seeing my baby on the ultrasound with no heartbeat was only confirmation of what my heart already knew........ our family would not be getting a new addition after all. On that day, I left the doctor's office with a stack full of prenatal and baby information but with no hope of ever bringing my baby home.

There are dark times in every one's lives. Times when things are just difficult. But I truly believe during the darkness there is light to be found. For us, the baby was a light. It was something our family was looking forward to. And when we had to adjust to the news that our baby wasn't meant to be, there was darkness. But there was still light to be found. Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't immediately looking for the good in this situation and I know there's a reason for everything but I don't even pretend to know what that is. I spent the first day or two close to my bed and not wanting to see or talk to anyone. But by the third day and thereafter I could see the hope, I could see the light. Of course, I have a strong faith and I know that God has a plan for me and when things go wrong I trust that he will see me through. It is incredible the peace that God can provide during difficult times if you choose to rely on him.

We are incredibly blessed to have supportive friends and family. My family received flowers, gifts, cards, encouraging phone calls, and messages. A few people messaged me and shared their own stories of miscarriage and loss. People also gave us space, they weren't overbearing and they gave us space and time to heal. Neighbors and friends brought us meals and most importantly people just genuinely cared. They hurt because we hurt. I think I was mostly touched by people who shared their stories. I think there is so much to be learned from sharing your story. They went out of their comfort zone to let me know that they knew how I was feeling, that they understood, that they were thinking of me because they understood the pain.  I simply believe good things happen when people share a piece of themselves, especially when it is to offer comfort to others.

Anyways, I was devastated when I found out about the baby because it was Christmastime and we had already told our children. I just felt like this was a really crummy time for something like this to happen, not that there is ever a good time. But I LOVE Christmas. So to navigate through the pain during my favorite season at first felt like a daunting task.  But then as the days went on, I realized that this was the perfect time for something like this to happen. It is a time for giving, a season of hope, and a time to be thankful for what we already have. And trust me if you're feeling bad, the best way to make yourself feel better is to do nice things for other people. Christmas isn't about the presents on Christmas morning. I am hoping that when my children are grown they will not remember what presents they received each year. Instead I hope they remember; the  family traditions, the fun things that we did, the year they truly understood the meaning of Christmas and what the birth of Christ means for them, how exciting it is to give, and most importantly how to keep Christmas in their heart all year long.

I don't know what's in store for our family. I don't know why this happened. But tomorrow morning when I go back to my doctor's office for the first time since we received our sad news, I will try to remember that good things can always come from bad, beauty can come from ashes........we just have to lift up our heads, wipe our tears, open our eyes, and move forward.

MisConceptions

About a week ago, I opened my facebook messages and started laughing out loud when I read one of them. The message was from a friend asking me for advice/ideas on how to make healthy lunches for my kids' school lunches. Why was I laughing? I was laughing because on this particular day I was planning on taking my children out to lunch. And the reason for taking them to lunch was not because I wanted to spend time with them, although that was definitely a PLUS! But I was taking them to lunch because I didn't make their lunches and because I was too tired to go grociery shoppping that week to make sure I had enough food for their lunches. So on that particular day my kids ate; pizza, root beer, and candy from a vending machine. Not exactly what I would consider a "healthy lunch".

I just thought this was ironic because sometimes we may have misconceptions of others. I try really hard to feed my kids healthy but I know other people who are WAY better at it. I try the best I can but sometimes my kids eat pizza, hamburgers, fast food, candy, or soda. Eating healthy has not always been a priority in our home, in fact for my oldest son and my husband I still don't think it's a priority. But I do the best I can with the resources and the time that I have. It is expensive and time consuming to make healthy meals and snacks. I am not great in the kitchen and so it makes even extra work for me. However, I'll keep trying because it's important to me but I know there will always be room for improvement.

I did give my friend a list of meals, snacks, and resources that I use. However, I don't know if I really gave her any info. that she didn't already have. But this little incident made me feel better. If someone could have a misconception of how "healthy" I feed my family then I am hoping I have misconceptions of others and their "parenting skills". Sometimes we look at other moms and say things like, "she is so patient", "how does she do all of that", "her house is always so clean",  "she always seems so put together", or "where does she get her energy". But then we get to know that mom or meet someone who knows her better and we realize that she is only as superhuman as the next mom. We are all just doing the best we can in whatever circumstances we have been given.

Love Your Neighbor

Love Your Neighbor.



Love your neighbor, not just the ones that are nice to you, bake you cookies, and lend you things. I'm blessed with neighbors like those, they're easy to love....

Love your neighbor, not only the ones that actually live in your neighborhood but the neighbors that live on the "other" side of town.

Love your neighbor, the unloveable ones who yell at their kids, are rough with them, and leave them unattended most of the time. And while you love on those neighbors, be sure to love on their children too.

Love your neighbor, the ones that do not go to the same church as you.

Love your neighbor, the one who doesn't go to church at all.

Love your neighbor, the neighbors that speak in a way that make you want to cover your childrens' ears.

Love your neighbor, the one who would NEVER vote for the same president as you.

Love your neighbor, the neighbor that drinks too often and too much and has difficulty finding their way home.

Love your neighbor, the ones that tell stories behind your back when they think you are not listening.

Love your neighbor, the neighbor who borrows money and "forgets" to pay it back.....more than once.

Love your neighbor, whose skin may be a different color.

Love your neighbor, the one who you can not understand because they speak a different language than you.

Love your neighbor, the neighbor who can fit all of his belongings in a shopping cart.

Love your neighbor, the one who looks like he spent time behind bars.

And love the neighbor who actually is behind bars.

Love your neighbor, the ones who have been orphaned or abandoned.

And this is a hard one, love the people you don't even like. The people who are unkind, who have built walls so high that you don't even want them to let you in. Love on those neighbors who have a chip on their shoulder so big, that you can see it a mile away. Yep, whoever that is you're picturing right now, love on them too. Most likely they are the ones who need it the most.


It is easy to love those who are just like us. Easy to love those neighbors with whom we share common backgrounds, values, and beliefs. But God says love your neighbor and we don't get to choose which ones. It is simple, love them all. Love your neighbor, even the unloveable ones. Sounds so easy but yet it is the most difficult thing we may be callled to do.

 Mark12:31
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.”

 

Honestly....Honesty?

Honesty.

1. n; the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

2. n; truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

3. n; freedom from deceit or fraud.

We begin telling our children at a very young age not to lie. Most people value honesty and try to instill that particular value within their children. We encourage them to tell the truth and that the consequences will be less severe if the truth comes out before a cover up story, otherwise known as a lie.  Honesty is not only vital in a  parent-child relationship. There are so many other relationships where expectations of honesty exist such as employers, spouses, friendships, etc.

So my question is, if honesty is important enough for us to  instill in our children then why are we constantly showing them dishonesty?  I don't mean that we are lying to them purposely. But when we look at the definition of honesty it not only consists of being truthful,  but of being.....sincere and frank.  So although, we may not lie intentionally to those around us..........are we truly displaying honesty? Are we being sincere?  Are we being forthright with how we feel and what we know/feel to be true? No, for the most part, I think not.  I believe that most the time people are not honest due to fear of judgement and disappointment, disappointment that comes from others. Because for some reason it is in our human nature to judge others.

Often, when you tell people something or share something personal someone will say, " I thought I was the only one who felt that way, " or " I'm the only person I know who has been through that".  There is no way you're the only person who has felt that way.  I've found time and time again, after sharing personal information with people that they have had similar situations or they can totally relate to how I'm feeling or things I've been through.  God has used people over and over again in my life to help in tough times and vice versa.

Often people are not displaying honesty by being sincere and frank with one another. They are only showing others what it is they want them to see. Take Fakebook for example (Facebook), a social media website where people can share their "status" or show pictures of their families or loved ones. Now, I love facebook, it's an easy way for me to share pics and what's going on in our lives with family members that live far away. But sometimes doesn't it seem like your "friends" lives are so much more exciting. Like they're always on vacation, their kids are always smiling, their spouse is wonderful, and the list goes on. Yet is only a snapshot of what people want us to see. Trust me, you might see the cute pinterest project I made but you are not going to see the huge mess that it left behind, or the destruction the toddler caused while I was creating it. You know when you log into your Fakebook account and at the top it says "What's on your mind"? How fun would that be if for one day, everyone actually put what was truly on their mind. I bet it would be surprising, or maybe not. Maybe it would just be surprising that so many of us have more in common than we thought. Perhaps most of us would have the same worries, concerns and issues. Today, my "honest" status would have said something like this, " Toddler woke up on the wrong side of his mattress.  He has been driving me crazy all day; making messes and crying over every little thing." or " I can't wait for my husband to come home so the 2 year old will have someone else to torture."

I'm not saying everyone should over share, which sometimes I tend to to do. There is a place for privacy and certainly there are things that should be kept close to our heart. But I love it when people are just plain honest. I cherish those moments when people are transparent.  I believe it is in these moments that true friendships are formed. When people let their walls down and tell it like it really is, it is an amazing opportunity for us to relate and to help one another. I feel incredibly blessed to have women in my life who love me for who I am. Friends who know I'm not always patient with my children, who see my house when it's at it's messiest, who know my fears, can see my insecurities,  and have that knowledge of yucky stuff from the past......The friends who know if I'm eating cream cheese frosting, I've probably had a pretty crappy day ;) I am so thankful for the people in my life who have let down their walls and created a safe place for me to take mine down as well. Anyways, maybe next time you're not sure if you should share something or let someone know how you're really feeling; give it a try, maybe it will be the beginning of an "honest" friendship.......

What Moms Really Want

What do mothers really want for Mother's Day? It is the one day a year, where everyone stops to celebrate mothers. The day is all about them and they are pampered, showered with gifts, cards, and attention. But are mothers getting what they really want on Mother's Day?


This post will most likely resonate with mothers of young children. And after reading this you will either 1) think that I am the most selfish mother that you know, 2) totally agree but most likely wouldn't admit it to anyone, or 3) you can relate but not really because your children are angels or older and not requring quite the same demands that younger children may need.


On Mother's Day...... my husband will most likely make me a fabulous breakfast, write the sweetest note in a card that he has already bought, buy me flowers,  make my kids be nice to me, and cater to my needs for the day. I know it sounds fabulous. And honestly it is! But I think there are some things that Mothers would love to have and they are inexpensive and overlooked.


1. TIME ALONE:
Once again, maybe this is just for those moms who have little ones still at home. But how many moms would love to have just 30 minutes of peace and quiet. And I'm not talking about nap time because anyone with little kids knows nap time is the time you wait for all day that is short and sweet in which there is a lot to accomplish such as make dinner, clean up, do laundry, pay bills,or make phone calls. I am talking about real alone time where you can read a book (one without large pictures and print), sit in the sun, journal, or just do nothing. Hey this could be 30 minutes of talking to a friend or family member on the phone. Seriously, maybe it's just going to the bathroom without someone pounding on the door or slipping their little fingers underneath.. Uninterrupted alone time can be priceless........especially when you're a mom.


2. A CLEAN HOUSE:
Okay so I know how the sayings go......Messy Home equals Happy Kids, Excuse the Mess My Children Are Busy Making Memories, etc. It's not that I don't agree it's just that most moms I know ARE happier when their house is in some type of order and fairly tidy. However, between making meals, cleaning up after meals, tending to childrens' needs, doing laundry, working, attending sports/recreational activities, and other social events there can be little time for cleaning house. I'm sorry I have to admit, I LOVE a clean house! But I have had to recreate my defniition of "clean" in order to squeeze in all my other motherly duties and so that my family wouldn't have to listen to my constant nagging. But how many mother's would love to wake up to a clean house on Mother's Day......without having to do any of the work herself? And I don't mean a tidy house, I mean really CLEAN like when the floors are mopped and you can't see dust on the endtables or TV screens. Maybe it's just me but a clean house would rank right up there with a diamond necklace, okay most people who know me know I don't even like jewelry but you get the point. A clean house would be a pretty awesome gift!


3. A THANK YOU:
When your hubby or your child writes in your Mother's Day card, I am sure that they will thank you for being the best mommy ever. And I am more than sure that it is sincere. But what I think many moms would like to be thanked for are all of the things that we do daily that go unnoticed. For cleaning up puke, for getting up for the third time in one night due to bad dreams or nursing babies, for preparing and planning most meals for the week, for folding and putting away laundry, for ensuring homework gets turned in on time, for trying to figure out the best way to discipline and praise her children......All of these things moms do just because it is our job. But most moms I know would love to hear that all of these little things do not go unnoticed. Aren't there things that you do as a mom that you  just feel go completely unnoticed? I bet if someone said thank you for that "unnoticeable" something it would be one of the best gifts received.

4. FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO BE THE MOM:
This is usually one gift that I do get to receive on Mother's Day. Although I am convinced mom's need it about once a month. My husband becomes the mommy on Mother's Day and it is fabulous! For one day, to not have to cook, clean, make decisions, or meet everyone else's needs. To not be in charge of anything for a day is fantastic. I love being a mom but being a mom is a hard job and just like with all jobs, sometimes you just need a day off.


5. RUN ERRANDS.......ALONE
Okay so this seriously might just be me. Most people don't enjoy running errands. Being able to go to the grociery store, Target, or the post office without getting kids in and out of carseats and without listening to the persistent whining of what kind of treat they want is about as peaceful as it gets. I know I can't be the only one who runs out to Target or the grociery store at night when their hubbies get home just to get a little bit of quiet time for the day. Don't tell my husband, although I'm pretty sure he already knows.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST
I think last but not least what is important for moms is....girl time. A good old fashioned GNO, is always a fresh breath of air from motherhood. The only other thing I find more refreshing is a hot bubble bath with the door locked. My friend and I have discussed how nice it would be to get away for Mother's Day. However, it's Mother's Day so of course we want to spend time with our families and our children. But there is that small part of us that would love to just get away from it all......a real day off from the demanding job of being a mom.
    Now, if  you've read this post and think that I don't enjoy being a mom and don't consider it an honor to call myself a mother than you've misunderstood. I love my children, have prayed for them to come into my life, and have made many changes to be able to have more time with them. But I do find it to be an exhausting job that requires some rejuvenation time every once in awhile. So this Sunday, I will enjoy letting the hubby be the mom for the day. I will not cook or clean and I look forward to a great family day. However, I am not lying when I tell you that  I am also looking forward to next weekend ...........  when I will enjoy a girls only trip - 2 days of rest, shopping, laying out at the pool with a good book, and some good old fashioned "girl talk".