Home but Not Home

This is my home.
But why then doesn't it always feel like home?

We moved to this town when we were 25 years old, with a new baby, and  dreams for a better future. We have lived in this town now for almost 11  years.   This house has been our home that entire time, minus the 6 months it was being built. We have spent the majority of our married life here.  And so it is our home.

But yet it is not. Or at least it, that is how it feels at times.

Our oldest took his first steps in the front yard of this home  a few days after we moved in. I always joked that he was waiting for more room so he could learn to walk. I can remember clearly the day we brought the 2 younger boys home from the hospital after they were born. I can recall rocking babies, nursing babies, tending to sick kids, and thinking on more than one occasion...is it possible for our carpet to take more abuse? And every time I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. Paint, food, drinks, throw up, poop (yep even that), have infested our carpet time and time again. It's nothing fancy but it is ours. My home. My spouse's home. And my children's home.

But sometimes, more times than I'd like to admit, it feels like I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

Each and every room is like a package full of memories. I can sit in a room for a few minutes and memories inundate my mind. I see Curt and I discussing where furniture should go, picking out paint colors, me getting in the way of my handy man husband, arguing over exactly where to hang things, and me choosing difficult tasks such as painting a striped room with 4 colors or cutting down bookshelves to make them fit. Or the time when I had him make our headboard out of a door. The sandbox he built in the backyard when Carson was born because he got bored on paternity leave. There is not one part of this house that we have not worked on together. We have literally put sweat and tears into each one of these rooms. Our marriage turns a little love/hate when we do projects together. We are each perfectionist in our own ways. And so this house contains many reflections of how we've learned to work together and how our marriage has evolved.  And  even though we have lived in many other places together, this is the only  home our marriage truly knows.

Yet, there are times when I am driving toward my house and I don't feel as if I am going the right way. When we come home from out of town and I don't have that  sigh of relief, that feeling of home is just around the corner......

And then there's my neighborhood. I can not tell you how fabulous my neighborhood is. You truly have to live in it to understand. I am so blessed and incredibly grateful for my neighbors, location, schools, love it all!

And still, there's unrest.

I think there are many reasons why I feel this way. But I think maybe, although I am not sure, one of the reasons of unrest is because we are not from here. We are transplants from...well from almost a totally different world. But in that "other" world, we had history. We had family, friends that had known us since before puberty, places of reference. You know the kind of places you drive by and say, "Remember when . . . ".  And here our history started when we moved here. After we were married. After we had our first child. We have very few points of reference.

We had to start all over. When we moved here, we only knew 2 people. That's it......... just 2. And we had to build our lives here from scratch. We started new jobs, expanded our family, and yes we met some new friends too. I have met some pretty amazing people who have shown themselves time and time again that they are real friends. But yet, when things happen or when events need to planned & attended you realize that you are in fact still building your life. It has been 11 years and we are still finding our niche.

This is our home but yet it is still not our home. And I think in my heart, it may never be my home.
It is not easy when (besides my sister) the closest relative lives 2 hours away. And then there are other relatives that live a few states away and then even more relatives who live on the other side of the country. And our family never takes a real vacation because vacations are happily used up to go visit our families. It saddens me to think that my children will not see one set of their grandparents for the rest of this year because of a cancer diagnosis. And on top of that, my husband and I will not even be close enough to help. And when things happen in our family, I know they struggle because they can not just jump in the car and come to our rescue. We must rely on those amazing people that are not our family that have come into our lives to lend a hand when we hit rough spots.

And although I've always felt this way, it has been particularly hard this year.  And this past month.
But I think it's important when I feel like this, to look at the truth. Not how I feel. But just the simple truth. And what I know to be true is;
1. Even if this doesn't feel like my home, where I came from doesn't feel like it either. It is not a   
    place where I want to live or raise my children.
2. We did find a better life. In so many ways.
3. Although it may not always feel like home to me, it probably will to my children. Because they   
   are building their own history.
4. I love my home. And I love that it is a place that stores so many of our memories.

And so on days like today when I go to the park and see another group of mom friends having a play date, when Curt and I want to go out and have a hard time finding a sitter, or when we spend another holiday away from family........I will just try to remember the truth.

And when I look at it that way, it's all good.

I will keep joining new groups (some work out, some don't), continue to participate in bible studies at different churches, engage my kids in various activities to keep them involved. We will keep building memories in our home and building our history here with our children. And love on those people who have carved out special places in my heart.

And one more thing I'm certain of , is that even if this town does not always scream home to me,  I was supposed to end up here ......at least for now.

I know the following aren't the best pics but I haven't scanned them so they're just from my phone.



Curt, me,& Nathan standing at the front door of our
 home when it was being built. And Nathan crawling across the concrete foundation
that is now our house.

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