Dysfunctional IS Functional

I am not sure where this topic came from. Not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about after being sick for almost 6 weeks. However, healing comes in many forms and I think recently I'm extremely grateful and proud for the part of my background that is "dysfunctional".

Sometimes parenting can feel like you're suffocating from all the decisions that need to be made. It is so easy to become consumed by wanting to make the right decisions for our children. There are so many decisions we encounter on a daily basis and the decision making starts from before they're even born; to nurse or not to nurse, to spank or not to spank, to push academics young or to let them learn through "play", engage them in afterschool activities but how much is too much, forcing them to eat healthy foods or not forcing them in fear of creating eating disorders, giving them what they want without spoiling them while teaching them to work hard and earn the things that  they want......I'm sure you can add pages to this list. But truly, all most parents want is to raise happy and well balanced children who grow up into caring and productive young adults who contribute to society and are able to have healthy relationships. Sounds easy enough, right? ........Not quite. So see with all of the pressure and decision making to be done, we're bound to screw it up. It's just human nature. I have settled with the fact that I will mess up, make wrong decisions, and think that I am acting in the best "interest" of my children only to still make the wrong choice.

In addition to making all of the "right" choices, I think parents are trying hard to create "perfect" childhoods. It seems as if we want to expose our children to as much as possible. So sometimes that includes vacations we can not afford, unnecessary materialistic items, sports activities that consume family's lives, and so forth. Many people are trying to fix what was wrong in their own childhoods through their own children. This is not an insult. I'm completely guilty. I have parts of my childhood that I would never want my children to experience and of course I want to do everything in my power to protect them from reliving the pain that I experienced.   It is only a parent's natural instinct to want to  protect our children from adversity or pain. I'm just not sure if as a society we are taking this too far. What I mean is are we hurting our children by trying to protect them from life? Life isn't perfect so why do some of us want them to see it that way.  Many parents will remain married, "for the sake of the children" or some may hide family secrets related to drug abuse, alcoholism, or sexual preferences in order to "protect" the children. I'm not insinuating that we should give our children information they may not be ready to handle. However,  I do think that if we want them to grow up with the ability to handle real life we should allow them to see what that looks like before they are grown.

When I reflect on people I admire who are selfless, empathetic, full of wisdom, and involved in healthy relationships the majority of them do not come from your happy go lucky family life. Their family lives could be described as...... well  a little dysfunctional. What I'm really trying to say is that when I think of the people whom I admire most, they have generally had some adversity in their life. Their childhoods were not perfect, more often than not they come from some sort of broken home, and they didn't have the easiest road getting to where they are now. But yet it is that adversity or "dysfunctional" background that has allowed them to become the person they are today.

Am I saying that we shouldn't try our best to provide a well balanced, healthy family life with great traditions for our children?  No. That is not what I am saying at all. Do I think all children who come from broken homes and tumultuous backgrounds will always grow up to be great people? No, unfortunately that is not the case.  I am merely saying that it's okay to give them a peek at what "real life" looks like. It is all right if we  admit to them that things just don't always work out the way we want them to. Let them in on the adversity in your life, be honest with them, involve them in tough family decisions - a little bit of "dysfunctional" now may help them become more  "functional" as adults.

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant. "Horace